There is a part of me longing to write but as I sit here staring at the screen, I can’t think of anything but the resistance happening. What do I write about? What is up for me right now? Well this is. So let’s explore what is happening internally. I am blocked with my writing…because I don’t know what to say. I’m afraid that people won’t want to read it and therefore I don’t want to even try because what if I fail?
Wow, okay, that programming is still here. For years, I wouldn’t engage in sports or activities where score was kept because I didn’t want to look imperfect in front of my peers. I was hard on myself and the result was that I had less fun because I was a sore loser. Losing would put me in a funk. My body would react in stress, I couldn’t wait to move from whatever spot I was in and my energy would disconnect from my body causing my eyes to glaze over and tension to radiate through my palms. I never wanted to be a loser, but at the same time, something within me would sabotage myself every time I was in the lead whether it be bowling, cards, ping pong or Frisbee. Each time I would unconsciously throw the game before I could win. Now here is someone who HATES to look imperfect in front of others stuck in this cycle of masochism. I will hurt myself before you can hurt me. I want to look perfect in the eyes of my peers and what happens is that I make sure that I never am. This saboteur has been around for years preventing me from succeeding to my fullest potential and here it is again, preventing me from free flowing. In this moment, I have identified her and what I have to say is this.
What hurts worse, is never to try. You spend all this time and energy selling yourself short, what would happen if you truly believed in your capabilities and stuck with them to completion? All of this imperfection is a part of being human, and while you might not be a god, you are an incredible human. You feel so deeply, you are courageous, kind, open minded and willing to transform. It’s time for you to let go of the part of yourself that trips you each time you get close to the finish line. What actually happens when you mess up? The only person judging you is you. What I need to know is that you won’t abandon me when I make a mistake. I need to know that you are willing to keep trying because when you leave, there is no one left to take over. So stay in your body and breathe through the tension because there is no such thing as a failure who keeps trying.
This perfection piece keeps circulating through my field. What I have learned this time, is that when we are willing to come in contact with the part of ourselves that is hurting, then we can shift the blockages preventing us from creating…and all of a sudden, you just might have something to say.